This Rosh Hashanah ritual offers you an opportunity to reconnect with elements of yourself that you have turned your focus away from during your fertility journey. Through a personal narrative and a mini-vision circle, this ritual invites you to reawaken these parts of yourself and to craft actions which will help you to do so.  You may want to perform the first part of this ritual in a peaceful and quiet place and then invite others to join you for its conclusion.

One of the central themes of Rosh Hashanah is t eshuva.   Teshuva is often translated as repentance, but the root of the word really means to return.  It is the act of returning to God, to our community, and to a better version of ourselves.  It is the process of returning to the person we were meant to be before we veered off in another direction. 

When considering teshuva within the context of a fertility journey, we might think of teshuva as the reawakening of some of the positive aspects of ourselves that we may not have been able to nurture during this struggle. You may have been so busy with all of the things you are doing in order to grow your family that you have not had time to care for other parts of your personality, your social life, your interests, and your soul.

Consider which aspects of yourself have you placed aside and ignored as you progressed in your fertility journey?   

Ex. I used to love cooking and no longer have time for that.  My social life is vastly diminished since all my friends are pregnant or have kids and it’s too difficult to hang out. I used to paint, but now I don’t feel inspired to do so.)
 

Perhaps this Rosh Hashanah can be a time for you to explore teshuva , and return to this aspect of yourself.   Begin this teshuva ritual by reading Jill’s personal narrative which appears in Fertility Journeys: A Jewish Healing Guide.  

Returning to Exercise
Before I started my fertility journey, I was a very active person.  I went to the gym multiple times a week, and I especially loved taking yoga and dance classes.  Staying healthy in this way not only benefited my body but it also nourished my soul.  I remember so many times, walking out of a dance class feeling alive and energized.  

I was very surprised when I found myself having trouble conceiving. I was so active and healthy, I never thought I would have a problem. I felt so angry at my body for failing me.  How could it betray me when I treated it so well? I’m not sure if I did this as a subconscious act of revenge or if it just was a result of my circumstances, but the deeper I got into my fertility journey, the less I exercised.   By three years in, I was no longer going to the gym at all. 

When speaking with a friend of mine, she gently asked me why I no longer danced or worked out?  When I replied with the same excuses I always said when people I knew from the gym said that they missed me--I am too busy, I am too tired, I have too much else going on etc.--she seemed sad.  She said, “but being active always made you so happy and fulfilled, what are you doing to fill that void?” That was a question for which I simply did not have an answer.
 

Consider any elements of yourself that you have set aside since you began your fertility journey.  You may want to make a list on your paper and see how many you come up with. For each item that you add to your list, ask Why did I stop doing this? How do I usually feel when I engage in this activity? How could I integrate this aspect of myself back into my life?  You may want to explore these questions by journal or thinking them through. 


Next, select one that you feel you would derive the most benefit from reengaging.  Design a plan for how you will introduce this element of yourself back into your life. 


To help these plans become a reality, create for yourself a mini-vision circle. A vision circle is a gathering in which people share visions that they have or plans that they are going to carry out, while others listen, witness these commitments and circle back to check in on these plans at a later date.  You do not need to gather a whole group of people, but think about how you can share your plan to reintroduce this element into your life with others so that you can have this kind of support. 

You may want to send out an email to a few people and ask them to check in with you in a set timeframe to see how you are doing.  You may want to post on social media – you can share this endeavor without explaining that this is a result of struggling to grow your family.   Tell at least two people, but if you are able to share this with more people, that can strengthen you further. 

As you take the time to perform this act of teshuva , notice how it changes and impacts you.  Do you feel more like your authentic self? Do you feel more alive?  Do you feel more soulful?  If so, perhaps you may want to select other elements from your list and find ways to bring them back into your life as well. 


Booklet Section: Introduction