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Crying in Public
Contributed by Uprooted

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This Rosh Hashanah ritual centers around the inclusion of fertility narratives from the Torah in the liturgy.  Through a personal narrative, a guided mediation, and an opportunity for self reflection, this ritual invites you to consider who you share your journey with and how much of your journey you wish to share.  You may want to perform this ritual in a peaceful, quiet place where you are alone and free from distractions. 

Rosh Hashanah can pose many challenges for those struggling to grow their family.   It might be very painful to be reminded that another year has passed.  It may be painful to see people you have not seen in a while, who may ask questions or make comments about your familial status.  It may also be hard to be surrounded by families and pregnant people who may be alongside you in synagogue or at family gatherings. 

It may also be challenging to be in synagogue when the fertility narrative of Hannah is read aloud.

To begin this ritual, read the following personal narrative from Dorit, which is included in Fertility Narrative: A Jewish Healing Guide.

Hiding from Hannah: Struggling with Fertility on Rosh Hashanah
For many, the High Holiday season is highly stressful and deeply emotional.  During my own fertility journey, this season brought up many feelings–pretty much everything from hope to despair. One moment in particular that always has an effect on me  is the reading of the story of Hannah on Rosh Hashanah. Early on in my journey, I found that story comforting; seeing another woman’s suffering in her struggle to conceive and having her prayers answered resonated with me and gave me hope.  But, as the years passed and my prayers were not answered, hearing the story of  Hannah no longer served as a comfort but rather began to cause me greater pain.

One year, as I was in synagogue and I knew the story of Hannah was approaching, I felt my heart start to race and my cheeks start to flush. I knew the tears were about to fall.  I was not looking to be “reminded” of my fertility struggle and did not want to hear about Hannah and her “happily-ever-after tale.”  So I did what I felt like was the only appropriate choice – I bolted out of the synagogue before I could even hear the first line of the story being read  and went to cry and pull myself together in the bathroom.  I could not allow those tears to fall in synagogue, in public, without the shelter of the bathroom stall door to protect me.  

As I reflect on that experience now, I realize a deep irony: Hannah too struggled with the pain of infertility, and she too shed tears. “And Hannah was of bitter spirit, and she prayed to G-d and cried and cried.” (Samuel I 1:10)  Hannah, however, did not leave the synagogue. She stayed, with the tears streaming down her face, and she prayed.

How do you feel about showing emotion in public?  Would you prefer to cry in public or in private? 

For many people, the question of whether or not to make their fertility struggles public is complicated.  Some people are completely open, sharing on social media and with family and friends.  Others have specific people that they will share details of their fertility journey with, but they choose not share with the general public.  There are others who want to keep their entire journey private.  All of these are viable and honorable options, it is simply a matter of personal choice.  

Rosh Hashanah is a time for self-reflection, but it is not a time to cause ourselves unnecessary pain. Before Rosh Hashanah, I invite you to reflect upon the question of whether or not the amount that you are sharing about your fertility journey is beneficial to you at this very moment.  Do you wish more people knew what you were going through?  Do you want a break from the public for a little while?  What would be the best way for you to spend Rosh Hashanah?  Would a more public space be preferable or one that is more private? 

Explore the guided imagery above to reflect upon these questions further. 

After completing the guided imagery, journal about the following questions, or consider them in your thoughts. 

(1) Did you feel more comfortable being alone or with others in the room?

(2) Were you surprised by who you chose to bring into the room?  

(3) Were you surprised by anyone that you did not invite into the room? 

You may want to consider if the way in which you share your fertility experience with others is beneficial to you.  Would it be helpful to tell more people?  Would it be helpful to take a break from sharing with certain people, or in certain settings?  See if you can decide what is most nurturing for you at this time—you can always change in the coming weeks—and commit to making that a reality. 

In preparation for Rosh Hashanah you may also want to spend some time considering what would be the best setting for you on the holiday.  Be intentional about the setting you will place yourself in this year.  This does not mean there will not be surprises, and we certainly do not have full control over everything, but having kavanah /intention to place yourself in situations where you are most likely to feel safe and comfortable is ideal.  Remember what it felt like to sit in that warm and inviting bean bag chair.   Design your Rosh Hashanah so you can experience that feeling as often as possible. 
Booklet Section: Introduction

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